Sunday, September 23, 2012

Dealing with Death

Left : Moutarde, Right: Leon, used as a bed : Tom
Leon died tonight.
I don't really know how.
I found him.

It was my first encounter with death. Face to face.

I am scared to life. I still can see his face, eyes open, open mouth in a very strange position.

I am a very sensitive person and I think this incident have scarred me for life.

Now I have tons of questions.

What did I do wrong?
Will my other cats be infected by the thing he had.

Of course, Leon was a dropped off cat. I arrived one day (two weeks) ago and that poor kitten was waiting so dirty and skinny in front of the barn.

I tried to fed him the best that I could. Nothing really worked it seems.

After my friends left tonight, I went in the barn and Leon was not there in his normal spot.
I felt in me that I had to find him, I search everywhere and when I arrive close to the barn, I saw some vomit spot. Plenty.
I saw him then, laying there between the wall and the hay. Dead.

It was a shock, it's still is.
I am sick to my stomach.
I try to forget the image, I just can't.

That's an image I wished never see in my life. Of course being there on a farm put the probabilities to a new high.

I just can't deal with death. As I can deal with mine, I just can't deal with others.

I was telling a lot of people that I was unhappy of never have found Isis's body... well I change my mind. I am very glad to be in ignorance. That's a kind of image I don't want to deal with.

He was 4 months old.

Edit: I talked to one friend who made me realized that the position he was in was probably 'cause he was playing and fell, since he was weak he probably broke his neck. Fast death.


  1. Ohhh, my sweet friend, I'm so sorry. One of our outdoor cats went missing once and I never knew what happened. I was always wondering how and why. Then another went missing about a year ago and I decided to look under the house and saw him. It's an image I didn't want to see, and it opened more questions. How? Did he suffer? Could I have done something? It's not easy. I'm not sure which is better, knowing or not knowing.

    What I DO know is that you gave him a happy life and made his time happy, not the life he came from. He was there for a reason. You gave him what you were supposed to and he is, was and always will be, a happy kitty.

    My thoughts with you...

    1. Thanks a lot. I am still devastated this morning. I had a lot of troubles sleeping and being that sad is bring back my disease symptoms to a crazy speed. It will pass I am sure but still, my heart is broken. Thanks for the good words.