Things in perspective ...

Everything is relative.

It's just hard for me to be able to put things in perspective. It has always been.

For each deaths, I question myself. I try to find a cause, most of the time being me.

I am afraid not being able to deal with the deaths.

When I saw Pirouline like she was asleep in her lil cat bed my heart just stopped. Well not my heart, more of my brain. It's like my brain is in concrete now. It is tired of being sad or in pain so it just stops.

The timing is bad, with Vanille eminent passing it's hard already ... we don't need more.

But I have to put things in perspective. Those cats that are in the barn were all but 4 (the 4 who were born here) due to die or to have a very harsh life. I am not saying the life they are living here is perfect. It's a barn after all ... but it's better than death ... I guess.

Rest in Peace Pirouline

Pirouline - May 2012 - January 25th 2013

You were a good cat Pirouline. You were caring, gentle, peaceful. We are sorry you had to go that soon. We didn't know you were about to go. I hope you have fun in kitten heaven.

We love you.

Hecatomb

Sharon died this afternoon bringing the death toll to 5.
I am starting to feel bad.
Really bad.

I talked to my farmer friend, "it's not your fault" he said.
I used to have 14000 chicken with bird flu.

Well ... it puts things in perspective.

He is supposed to call a friend and call us back.

more deaths

I guess my bad feeling of yesterday wasn't in vain.
Two hens died of sudden deaths last night.

- sigh -

I have to become stronger

Dealing with Death

Left : Moutarde, Right: Leon, used as a bed : Tom

Leon died tonight.
I don't really know how.
I found him.

It was my first encounter with death. Face to face.

I am scared to life. I still can see his face, eyes open, open mouth in a very strange position.

I am a very sensitive person and I think this incident have scarred me for life.

Now I have tons of questions.

What did I do wrong?
Will my other cats be infected by the thing he had.

Of course, Leon was a dropped off cat. I arrived one day (two weeks) ago and that poor kitten was waiting so dirty and skinny in front of the barn.

I tried to fed him the best that I could. Nothing really worked it seems.

After my friends left tonight, I went in the barn and Leon was not there in his normal spot.
I felt in me that I had to find him, I search everywhere and when I arrive close to the barn, I saw some vomit spot. Plenty.
I saw him then, laying there between the wall and the hay. Dead.

It was a shock, it's still is.
I am sick to my stomach.
I try to forget the image, I just can't.

That's an image I wished never see in my life. Of course being there on a farm put the probabilities to a new high.

I just can't deal with death. As I can deal with mine, I just can't deal with others.

I was telling a lot of people that I was unhappy of never have found Isis's body... well I change my mind. I am very glad to be in ignorance. That's a kind of image I don't want to deal with.

He was 4 months old.
------------------------------------------------

Edit: I talked to one friend who made me realized that the position he was in was probably 'cause he was playing and fell, since he was weak he probably broke his neck. Fast death.

Goodbye Little Hen

Well, when I said in a previous post that "the death of the jackrabbit was preparing me for many more to come" I couldn't be more right.
This morning, in like 10 minutes we lose a Warren.
I started to cry when I heard the news, good for me, I didn't see her, husband did.

I am very worried, how will I manage the first death I will have to manage myself?

I just can't deal right with death.

We put the hen in a bag and buried her in the cemetery along the rabbit.

I am very sad.

Goodbye little hen, thanks for the eggs and the laugh.
(Warrens are really funny).

The Sad Learning Curve

Last Monday our neighbour came to my door with a box.

"I have a new lodger for you" he said.

I look at a box to find a tiny lil creature who looked like that:

"What the hell is that!" I've said.

At first I thought it was a baby Chinchilla rabbit.

"It's a jackrabbit!" he said. "I went that far to smash it with my ATV, it was all alone in the middle of the ATV road"

I accepted, though I was worried a bit about how I would take care of the thing.

I put it in a big cage and as I was working rapidly gave water and food then told myself I would take care of it asap.

After work, I started to check the net to discover the heartbreaking truth:
Baby hares have no scent so the mother hides them away from the den while she hunts. She does it usually right in the open covered with grass or leaves ... They stay there waiting for her returns.

Basically ... it was a very bad news.

1. The baby didn't really need help.
2. There was now no way I could find back the mother. (as my neighbour didn't really remember where he exactly took the baby)

I started freaking out.
We tried our best but this morning, husband found the dead baby in the cage.
It let itself die obviously.

It's hard to know everything as it's hard to not feel guilty.
Though, I kept telling myself that I am not the one bringing him back here plus where it was he would have had probably be smashed by an ATV before his mother would be gone.

The lil one has been buried in a quiet and charming place on our land. That first death is preparing me for the many others to come. I have to stop pretending it won't happen. It will. It's part of the circle. I have to learn to deal with it. Husband and I have decided that this part of our land would be the cemetery.

That's the hard and sad learning curve we have to go through.

And I can already hear the "judgements" of people who would so have done better ... sigh.